Useless Head: What I Learned from My Freshman and Sophomore Years
In my first two years of college, I was studying extremely hard. I have never been such a hard worker back in my middle and high school years, I was a pretty lazy kid. I may only link it to coming to Korea and experiencing a whole new world, which made me feel I now have some sort of responsibility. Anyways, I was stressing out about what other people thought of me and I tried to fit in when, in fact, I just was not there. Having my little background shared, I am not talking about my experience from now on. I will try to be general, so you could relate to me better.
Wanting to surpass your peers and get better academic achievements may make us work more or just put too much attention on what you are doing. Paying too much attention to other people’s successes may make you want more, i.e. work more, study more or maybe even pay more. It’s a very stressful situation to be in because you’re sort of insecure about whether you are on the right track. Now I realize life isn’t any fun without a sense of enough. We always want to compare ourselves to friends or peers that might be doing better than us. Yet we might also take some important factors for granted. For example, there might be some gap as a couple of years that makes the major difference. We overlook obvious yet small things and expect ourselves to be as good as others. The only way to enjoy your journey is to have a sense of enough. For example, there is a certain threshold above which you get the same grade regardless of how much effort you put into your schoolwork. This might sound like leaving opportunity and potential behind but I don’t think that’s right. Enough is enjoying the journey and loving and believing in own fate. It’s slowly yet surely working on yourself in pursuit of achieving what is meaningful. I am not perfect, I have flaws and things I struggle to control at times of adversity. But continuously working on myself in pursuit of the person I want to become for myself excludes competitions I used to have in my head and it just makes me kind of grateful.
Another thing is, sometimes it is much nobler to share ideas/feelings at a slow pace. Think about yourself and trust your thoughts. However, take it slow when talking to somebody, you also have to acknowledge that they need time to process. You cannot just hand them a dictionary and expect people to know the words right away. We need to do it piece by piece. In fact, we didn’t achieve our ideas immediately, it’s an accumulation of our experiences and emotions.
When things are going great, it’s easy to let yourself have huge expectations of yourself. Failures are inevitable. I have failed many times and I will fail even more. It’s not about the plans being wrong, sometimes we overlook certain things and at times expect too much. In the early years, it sucks so bad and it might even make you insecure. But it is also a humbling experience, in a good way. From time to time I think I need to humble myself. I am not saying I am wise and I have gone through all the life experiences. I am still struggling to control myself a lot. Room for error accepts certain things to go the other way yet you are still sort of confident about where you are going. It comes in many ways and it helps you to stay sane with a range of outcomes.
People cannot read your thoughts or your feelings. In fact, your expressions or behaviour might even confuse people. If there’s anything you want to tell to someone, do not wait for the right moment or for the moment you somehow become more confident. In fact, there might even be no right time. Whatever you are afraid of might be frightening. However, it is about judging your actions, not the outcome. It is better to do whatever is in your head and fail miserably than regret and be miserable. Whatever the outcome is, it is about what you do on your side. You either end up being lucky or move on to the rest of your life with a little inspiration. Don’t get me wrong, I am still not as confident as I want to be. There are things that might hold me back. But it’s also about learning who you are.
Some Last Words
I might have missed some things but most of the writing is taken from my journal. I am not trying to pretend I am perfect nor I am trying to pretend I have a good personality. I have imperfections that I do not like at times. Sometimes I was selfish or explosive. But I am aware of them and I feel bad about it. I am just trying to be a better person somehow. If there is anything you would like to share with me, I will happy to read your thoughts or any suggestions in the comment section. Thank you for reading this crap.
